I hear a lot of talk about guilt regarding breastfeeding. Guilt from the mom who never nursed, guilt from the mom who quit. But what I feel is the guilt of the advocate who couldn’t help.

I have helped lots of strangers with breastfeeding advice. I have helped co-workers and acquaintances as well. Sometimes I know the final outcome, and sometimes I don’t. But I am able to separate myself from them enough that I know that I gave good advice either way.

Recently, a close relative (let’s just say that our children are cousins) had a baby and asked me for my advice on breastfeeding. Her baby was born at 37 weeks. She didn’t attempt nursing until about 8 hours later, at which time the baby was very sleepy and wouldn’t latch. The mom asked my advice and I suggested many things for her to try, but she seemed to be trying only half-heartedly. She said she wanted to breastfeed, but only pumped 2-3 times per day. She rarely offered the breast to the baby because the baby wouldn’t latch. I offered her my pumped milk to use instead of formula, but she refused it (I actually felt kinda hurt that she preferred to use formula than my milk). I even offered to try to nurse the baby to see if she could latch to me, and she also refused that (I knew it was a long-shot, but we are family after all).

I will tell you the way it turned out – she pumped very occasionally for 8 days and then quit. The baby got about 10 oz of breast milk total and never latched. I think that the mom feels totally fine about it. I don’t think she really wanted to breastfeed in the first place, just felt like she was obligated to give it a try. Her main motivation to breastfeed in the first place was just to save money – she never had an emotional attachment to the idea. I don’t think she felt guilty at all.

I, however, took it way too personally. I am the only person in her life who has breastfed, so I felt like it was my responsibility to help her because I was the only one who could – I was the only one who knew anything about it. I felt like it was up to me, that I was the only chance that baby had to breastfeed. And when the mom quit, it felt like MY failure – like I didn’t do a good enough job of helping her. I’ve helped lots of people, strangers even, with breastfeeding – I should be able to help my own family! I wondered: Should I have pushed harder, or backed off more? Or bought her things she needed, like a nipple shield, or a decent pump? Should I have talked to her more while she was still pregnant, or still in the hospital? In fact, I still feel bad about how it turned out, and unfortunately, I feel that sting of failure every time I see her feed that baby a bottle of formula. I think it has even affected my ability to bond with my niece. I can’t wait until she’s one.

I think that I got too invested. I made it about what I wanted instead of what she wanted. I wanted her to want to breastfeed. But if she doesn’t, I can’t help that. I can only help her if it’s what she actually wants too. That’s what I try to tell myself, but I still feel the pain of failure anyway.