Lactation Narration

Munchkin is 4 today. If you had told me when she was born that she would still be nursing now, I wouldn’t have believed it. My original goal with her was to nurse for 6 months, yet here we are. My goal now is for child led weaning.

Some people view child led weaning as meaning that the child has full access to nursing any time she wants it, and that mom never says “no”. This is not the case for us. I did night-wean her when she was 2, and I was pregnant with Sweets. I also spot weaned her when I was pregnant to cut down on how often she nursed. And since she turned 3, I have limited her to only nursing first thing in the morning and/or last thing before bed (the rest of the time, the milk is for Sweets). She continues to nurse once a day most days, typically when she first wakes up in the morning. Sometimes she nurses both in the morning and at bed time, and other days she doesn’t nurse at all. When I say that my goal is child led weaning, I mean that I will let her decide when she is finished with nursing, not that I won’t place any limits on it while she is still nursing.

There have been several occasions when I was convinced that she had weaned. For about 6 months when I was pregnant, she only nursed an average of once per week. Sometimes she skipped as much as two weeks before asking again. I really thought she had weaned more than once, and I thought that she would wean very shortly the whole time. I said to myself “I’m sure she will be weaned by the New Year at this rate” and then “I’m sure she will be weaned by the time the new baby comes,” but that wasn’t the case. When Sweets was born, Munchkin started nursing more again, but after about a week, she told me that she didn’t want to nurse anymore because it made her “feel sick”. I thought for sure she was weaned that time. But a week later she asked again, and she’s been pretty steady ever since. She will still skip a few days if we have house guests or if we are traveling because she gets distracted, but once we are back in our routine, she is ready to nurse again.

Lately, I have started talking to her about weaning. I have told her that one day she will be weaned, and that means that she won’t want to drink Mommy’s Milk anymore. She seems to think that is pretty silly, and that of course she will always want to drink Mommy’s Milk! But I see a few signs that she’s considering that some day she will actually wean. Since her birthday was coming up, I asked Munchkin if she thought she might wean when she is four. She told me, “Well, maybe when I’m 55.” I guess that’s progress!

I guess I’m still thinking about nursing in public. One of the comments that I often hear when discussing nursing in public is that moms should just pump a bottle to use when they go out so that they don’t have to see anyone breastfeeding. Some moms also feel like they can’t nurse in public and would prefer to use a bottle when they go out because they feel nervous or embarrassed to nurse in front of others.

I do not use bottles at all. What I mean is that Sweets takes bottles at daycare, but we never use them at home. Munchkin never even took a bottle at all, even at daycare! I nurse in public all the time. I even have a bumper sticker that says “Breastfeeding: Any Time, Any Where”.

When Munchkin was very young, and I wasn’t that good at or confident about nursing yet, I did feel nervous about nursing in front of people – even my parents and friends! I remember making everyone leave the room in the hospital so I could nurse Munchkin. And for her first month or two, I would try to find a back room to hide out in if I needed to nurse her when we were out. This worked fine when I was out by myself and such a place was available, but there were lots of situations when that didn’t work. If I was with others, it didn’t seem right to leave them for 30 minutes so I could go feed her, and many places didn’t have such private rooms anyway. I remember one time we were in a restaurant, and I even went to see if they had a chair in the ladies bathroom I could use (they didn’t, and I refused to sit on the toilet to nurse) and I ended up covering her up with a blanket at the table even though it was pretty hot outside and I felt really weird about that. I had an incident when she was 5 weeks old where the manager of a store told me I couldn’t nurse there, and that really upset me. But rather than making me hide more, it actually set me to researching what the laws were, why I was hiding, what people thought, etc. And I came out of that experience as a more confident mom who was determined to breastfeed my baby where ever I needed to – my priority was nourishing my baby, not conforming to someone else’s idea of propriety.

At this point, I strongly feel that a mother should be able to feel comfortable breastfeeding her baby in any location and with the same level of discretion as would another mother feel comfortable bottle-feeding her baby. I want breastfeeding to be seen as the biological and societal norm, and bottle-feeding to be the exception, not the rule. I don’t think that can happen as long as there is a social stigma associated with breastfeeding in public. We can’t tell people “Breast is Best – but not in front of me” – that just sends mixed messages. I think that telling people that breastfeeding should be hidden sends the message that there is something shameful about nursing, and I think that is dead wrong – I think that nursing is the way that we were designed (some would say by God) to nourish our young, and I think it is one of the most wonderful gifts of being a mother! Not to mention that it is by far the most healthy choice for the child. That is the main reason why I nurse in public I guess – I just believe it’s the right thing to do, on principal. And now there is also the fact that I have tried to teach this to Munchkin – that in our family, baby nurses when mommy is around, and when mommy isn’t around, mommy pumps milk for someone else to feed to baby in a bottle. As a result, mommy never feeds the baby with a bottle herself. I am modeling to her that nursing is the “normal” way for a baby to eat, and that bottles do exist and are often necessary, but they are the exception.

But there are lots of other, practical reasons not to “just pump a bottle” too:

• I work full-time, so when I am with my baby, it is important that she nurses to keep up my milk supply. A baby is much more efficient than a pump at getting milk out, so less nursing means less milk supply. She is already missing those feedings from the breast while I’m at work, and I don’t want her to miss any more than is necessary.

• There is the huge logistical problem of having to plan ahead to pump a bottle before we go and then bring the right amount, because you don’t want to waste it but you also don’t want to be caught short. Plus, I need to save that pumped milk for daycare and using it when I don’t need to seems like such a waste! Then I’d also have to keep it cold while out until I’d want to use it, and then find a way to heat it up. I think the logistics alone would be enough for me to never do that – what a major pain in the neck! If people had to do that instead of just nurse in public, of course nobody would nurse – it’s way too much trouble! One of the great benefits of nursing though, is that it is super convenient – nothing to remember to bring and it’s always the right temperature, ready and waiting when the baby wants it.

• And then I’d have to deal with my own breasts being engorged because I haven’t nursed, so now do I need to find a place to pump while I’m out instead of just nursing? And if I don’t and just deal with the discomfort, now my milk supply is going to go down because a full breast signals my body that I don’t need to make as much milk.

• Then there is the issue of whether the baby will even *take* a bottle, which Munchkin never would despite being in daycare.

• Sweets takes a bottle, but I also try to minimize her exposure to artificial nipples to avoid nipple confusion or preference, particularly in the early months. Nipple confusion means that she could develop a poor latch due to the difference in the way she has to suck to get milk from the bottle vs the breast, which would then lead to a lower milk supply due to poor milk transfer, or her refusing the breast altogether due to the difficulty in getting milk with a poor latch. Nipple preference occurs when a baby comes to prefer a bottle because the milk flows faster and they become impatient at the breast.

It is a priority for me to nurse for at least 2 years so I do not want to do anything that I could otherwise avoid that could result in a bad latch, a lower milk supply, or my baby weaning from the breast prematurely.  Nor do I think that I should have to manage a logistical nightmare just because someone else might be uncomfortable with nursing.

So no, I don’t use bottles when I’m out – I nurse any time, any where. I was nervous about nursing in public for the first few weeks when Munchkin was a baby, but I got over that a long time ago! I think it is common for people to feel nervous about nursing in public, but I think that it is a symptom of our society’s misguided and unfortunate view of breasts as primarily sexual rather than primarily nourishing. I hope that my nursing in public helps to normalize breastfeeding for future generations and that it inspires other mothers to be able to nurse in public if they are feeling nervous.

This morning I read about a mom who was asked not to breastfeed in the lobby of her child’s school. Though this mother knows the law and cited it to the principal, the school is still insisting that she cannot nurse in the lobby. This seems like an appropriate time to tell my own story of being told I couldn’t nurse in public.

It was June 2006. Munchkin was just 5 weeks old. We had friends in town to visit with us and see the baby, and we decided to go to dinner at a restaurant in the mall. This particular mall has an outside section and an inside section, and the restaurant we chose was in the outside section. While waiting for our table, we were walking around the stores nearby. My husband and his friend wanted to go to Sharper Image and shop there, so we went in. I was also interested in shopping there because I was looking for some kind of timer device that I thought they might have. The guys ended up wanting to check out all the gadgets and the massage chairs, etc, so we ended up in the store for some time.

This is how we were nursing

While we were there, Munchkin wanted to nurse, so I sat down and nursed her. She was only 5 weeks old after all, and couldn’t go very long without nursing and certainly couldn’t wait. I was wearing a nursing shirt – a shirt specifically designed to help you be discreet while nursing – and was not at all exposed. I was still pretty new at nursing, and wanted to be able to keep an eye on Munchkin’s latch while she nursed, so I did not want to cover her with a blanket, but I did put a burp cloth over the top section of my breast out of modesty.

I was approached by management and told I couldn’t “do that there”. The hospital where I gave birth had given me a little card when I was discharged telling me the state’s law about breastfeeding in public, and though I didn’t have the card with me, I was aware of the law. I told the manager that the law said that I could breastfeed anywhere I was otherwise authorized to be. He told me that he wasn’t aware of any such law. I wished that I had kept that little card in my diaper bag. He then said that I was in a private store anyway and that even if there was a law, it didn’t apply to his store. I said, yes it does, it applies to anywhere, public or private, that I am otherwise authorized to be. He repeated that he was not aware of any such law. He repeated that I could not nurse my baby in the store, and I repeated that the law said I could. I told him he could feel free to call up the police to clarify the law because I was quite sure it was a real law. Then he said that I needed to at least cover her head with a blanket. I had no intention of doing that though. Besides the fact that I preferred to be able to see my baby, it was quite hot that day and our bodies were still hot from being outside. In addition, there was NO part of my breast that was exposed anyway. I didn’t know at the time that he law does not require discretion, but his complaint was not that I was showing my breast, but just that I was breastfeeding AT ALL. He continued to harass me, and though I knew that I was in the right I was feeling quite flustered. My husband came to see what was going on (he had been shopping in another part of the store) and we decided we would leave the store without making our purchases.

NC Gen. Stat. Sec. § 14-190.9 (b) Notwithstanding any other provision of law, a woman may breast feed in any public or private location where she is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother’s breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breast feeding.

When we got home, I went online and printed out the law. I also called corporate and complained. They said that that they were aware of the law and he should not have done that. They promised someone would get back to me to further discuss the situation, but that never happened. I went back to the store the next day and handed this manager a copy of the law. He never apologized, just said that he wasn’t aware of this law and now he knows. It was after this that I made up little cards with the law on them to carry with me, but I’ve never had a problem like that since.

Though this experience was very upsetting at the time, I can say that it is what turned me into an activist. I have researched the issue and talked to other mothers who have had similar experiences, and I stand up for them in hopes that it will not have to happen to more women. I think that most women probably don’t even know that there is a law that protects them, and many would not stand up for themselves even if they knew about it. I think that a lot of women would feel that they were the ones who did something wrong, and I fear that the experience might lead them to not want to nurse in public again. This in turn, might lead them to decide to stop breastfeeding earlier than they otherwise would have. In fact, societal pressure is probably one of the leading reasons why moms wean early. I am glad that we have a law about nursing in public, but it’s a shame that many people aren’t aware of it, and some who are aware disregard it anyway.

I hear a lot of talk about guilt regarding breastfeeding. Guilt from the mom who never nursed, guilt from the mom who quit. But what I feel is the guilt of the advocate who couldn’t help.

I have helped lots of strangers with breastfeeding advice. I have helped co-workers and acquaintances as well. Sometimes I know the final outcome, and sometimes I don’t. But I am able to separate myself from them enough that I know that I gave good advice either way.

Recently, a close relative (let’s just say that our children are cousins) had a baby and asked me for my advice on breastfeeding. Her baby was born at 37 weeks. She didn’t attempt nursing until about 8 hours later, at which time the baby was very sleepy and wouldn’t latch. The mom asked my advice and I suggested many things for her to try, but she seemed to be trying only half-heartedly. She said she wanted to breastfeed, but only pumped 2-3 times per day. She rarely offered the breast to the baby because the baby wouldn’t latch. I offered her my pumped milk to use instead of formula, but she refused it (I actually felt kinda hurt that she preferred to use formula than my milk). I even offered to try to nurse the baby to see if she could latch to me, and she also refused that (I knew it was a long-shot, but we are family after all).

I will tell you the way it turned out – she pumped very occasionally for 8 days and then quit. The baby got about 10 oz of breast milk total and never latched. I think that the mom feels totally fine about it. I don’t think she really wanted to breastfeed in the first place, just felt like she was obligated to give it a try. Her main motivation to breastfeed in the first place was just to save money – she never had an emotional attachment to the idea. I don’t think she felt guilty at all.

I, however, took it way too personally. I am the only person in her life who has breastfed, so I felt like it was my responsibility to help her because I was the only one who could – I was the only one who knew anything about it. I felt like it was up to me, that I was the only chance that baby had to breastfeed. And when the mom quit, it felt like MY failure – like I didn’t do a good enough job of helping her. I’ve helped lots of people, strangers even, with breastfeeding – I should be able to help my own family! I wondered: Should I have pushed harder, or backed off more? Or bought her things she needed, like a nipple shield, or a decent pump? Should I have talked to her more while she was still pregnant, or still in the hospital? In fact, I still feel bad about how it turned out, and unfortunately, I feel that sting of failure every time I see her feed that baby a bottle of formula. I think it has even affected my ability to bond with my niece. I can’t wait until she’s one.

I think that I got too invested. I made it about what I wanted instead of what she wanted. I wanted her to want to breastfeed. But if she doesn’t, I can’t help that. I can only help her if it’s what she actually wants too. That’s what I try to tell myself, but I still feel the pain of failure anyway.

Pacifiers are substitutes for the human breast. That may seem obvious, but with as often as you hear people say “she’s using me as a human pacifier,” maybe it’s not. A bottle-fed baby uses the bottle for food and the pacifier for comfort sucking. The breastfed baby can use the breast for both, and that is what is biologically intended. When a breastfeeding mother gives her baby a pacifier for comfort sucking, she may end up with lower milk supply due to decreased sucking cues. The comfort sucking helps your milk supply, so it is a good thing to do, particularly in the beginning when your body is adjusting. Pacifier use can also lead to a poor latch, which is another risk factor for poor supply. And studies show that breastfed babies who were given pacifiers in the first 6 weeks wean earlier than those who did not use a pacifier.

Munchkin never took a pacifier. We did half-heartedly offer it a few times, but she never wanted anything but me (she never took a bottle either). Sweets has always been more laid back in that way, and she did take the pacifier (and the bottle). I was concerned that overuse of the pacifier could lead to Sweets being held less and having less time in arms because it could be so convenient to just put her down with a pacifier. My pacifier “rules” were that the paci could be used in situations where I wasn’t available, such as at daycare or in the car. There were also times when Sweets wanted to suck but didn’t want the milk that was coming, which happened occasionally. I’ll admit that I didn’t always follow my own rules, and I did start falling into using the paci as a convenience for me when I was doing something else. I tried to remain aware of it though and not do it too often. Sweets used the paci from about 2-6 months, and then lost interest in it, even at daycare, so we are paci-free now.

I really find it very annoying when people say “human pacifier” though – as if we are the substitute for the nuk as opposed to the other way around! I think it really just shows the bias in American culture. I can see it now: breastfeeding mother complains that baby is using her as a human bottle!

The first thing that I want to say about night-weaning, is that I don’t even try it until 2 years old. This is because it is a priority for me to nurse until at least 2 years, and I worry that night-weaning might lead to a lower milk supply and/or premature weaning, and for me that is not something that I am willing to risk before 2 years. Besides that, night-weaning is a lot more effort than night-nursing while co-sleeping.

Though controlled crying methods of night-weaning/sleep-training seem to work for some people, and fairly quickly, this is not a strategy that I am willing to try. I am convinced that gentle, no-cry solutions also work, just more slowly. A lot of folks in my circle like to try Dr. Jay Gordon’s night-weaning method, which involves some crying, but importantly, no crying alone. One of the things I really took from Jay Gordon’s method though, was that he repeatedly says that if at any point in time you feel in your gut that the time isn’t right, then just stop.

I half-heartedly tried to night-wean Munchkin a few times before it actually worked. If she really screamed, I always just gave up and nursed her anyway. It just wasn’t worth it to me. I tried again when she was 27 months old, and she accepted it pretty easily then. I think that’s just when she was ready. I also think It helped a lot that she was old enough to really understand what I was telling her. And I also suspect that her willingness to cut down was also due to my pregnancy.

What I did was start by not letting her fall asleep nursing, but I would still let her nurse if she woke up. The way I accomplished this was if she wanted to nurse in the night, I would let her, BUT she had to stand up to nurse! I would stand next to the bed facing her and she would stand on the bed, which put her just at boob height to nurse. She could nurse as long as she wanted, but she had to stand up. Eventually, it was just too much trouble for her because she was too tired, so she dropped and went back to sleep. This way she wasn’t falling asleep latched on anymore. It did mean that I got less sleep while we were doing this, because I couldn’t just roll over and fall back asleep, but I never expected otherwise of night-weaning.

Just doing that cut her down to only 2 nursings in the night (which was an improvement – believe me!). After we got that down, I started trying to delay her. Just telling her that we would nurse a little bit later got her down to nursing only once in the night. Then I eliminated the last nursing by saying that we would nurse in the morning. When Munchkin would wake up I just told her that the “na-nas” were sleeping. She might complain for about a minute and then she would lay back down and go back to sleep. After 3 nights, she wasn’t even asking anymore, and that was that! After that, she still liked to sleep while holding my nipple in her hand instead of her mouth, but she was night-weaned.

Another point I want to make, is that night-weaning did reduce her night-waking, but it did not eliminate it. She would just wake up for different reasons. Until night-weaning, Munchkin had very rarely asked to go potty in the night and had just held it until the morning. Soon after night-weaning, she started waking at around 1 am and instead of asking to nurse, she would say she needed to go potty. So I put her on the potty and then she would go back to bed no problem. A year later, we now wake her on purpose to take her to the potty in the middle of the night – otherwise she has a wet bed in the morning. I think that waking for a drink, or to use the potty, or adjust the covers, or whatever, is perfectly normal, for children and adults. The trick is not to sleep through the night without waking, the trick is rather to be able to go back to sleep after attending to our night-time needs. Kids have needs in the night, and if it’s not nursing, it’s something else. So we’re still getting woken in the night, just for different reasons!